"The Heart of Life"

        I know the heart of life is good.  It has shown itself to me in ways those only mimic storybook renditions of love.  It has shown itself to me in numerous places, one of which left a mark upon my soul.  Of all places which I could stumble upon the heart of life, it would be within the Forest of Whispers, where we happened to cross paths.  The Forest of Whispers seldom has visitors, many of the locals would not dare step foot in it; for it has been said that if one listens closely they may hear the trees speaking to one another, passing along secret messages with their large branches and leafs.  It was this mystery of secrets that would draw me in, leading me upon a path that would change my life for the better and the truth that would keep me coming back.   

        It was a typically warm summer day, unlike any other, when I was initiated into the Forest of Whisper’s elite society. My inquisitiveness brought me to a small archway of green ivy intertwined with a tangled mess of brown branches, leading me into the forest.  As I entered a soft, rustling sound innocently glided through the air and sweetly whispered, "welcome". These gentle waves continued to flow back and forth, to and fro, enticing me to progress deeper into the belly of the forest. 

        While I walked through the forest my senses seemed to almost become heightened.  The sound of the forest began to grow clearer, more distinct; the trickling sound of a nearby stream allowed me to envision the various sizes of rocks that it contained, changing the sound of the water from trickling to gurgling, like scales on a piano.  A grumpy woodpecker began its banter, almost shouting for me to leave this place, his place.  His instrument grew from a faint "knock, knock, knock" into a louder "crack, crack, crack", it didn't take me long to move along, allowing the fellow adventurist his space amongst the large forest home. 

        My encounter with the chirping stream and the rowdy woodpecker brought a genuine smile to my face. As a skipped along the forest dance floor, my steps seemed to have more spring in them, more cushion.  I paused a moment to inspect the ground beneath me.  At first glance I thought of the floor to be nothing other than the usual, dirt, but what I saw interested me.  Mixed amongst the soil were the pine needles which were once proudly displayed on their maker, leaves of both the oak and maple trees, and decaying trees who had lived to either reach their prime or were blown down during a strong summer storm.  I was merrily skipping upon a graveyard of birch, pine, oak, and maple trees- all that lived and died for the good of the forest.  It would be their carcasses that would allow life to continue, as it created rich, damp compost, suitable to feed the soul of the forest.

         The richness of the ground beneath varied from a light brown to an almost brownish black, depending upon the level of decomposing and dampness.  I bent down to grab a fistful of this "black gold", careful not to take hold of any unwanted visitors.  At once, I felt connected to this place, this moment in time; I held its history in my hands. The flaky layers of life contained in my grasp felt cold and dead, far from the life I knew they still held.  I gently released the mixture back onto the ground.  As I looked closely, a tiny bit of soil moved and with that a small "potato bug" emerged no doubtingly happy to be back on solid ground.  I was thankful that the tiny one waited until I relinquished the mixture before he journeyed out from the mass.  As the potato bug continued his journey, I too continued mine. 

        It wasn't long before I noticed that I had journeyed further than anticipated.  The sun which had been held high in the sky when my journey first began was beginning its decent into the horizon.  Surprisingly, the once dark forest, mostly void from light except for the few patches of sun here and there, began a dance of light and color; the view was beautiful, awesome and awe inspiring.  The forest opened up into a clearing, large enough for me to take off on my own private self-discovery.  I began to look upon these beams of sunlight as spotlights and the forest floor was my stage.  I was instantly overcome with emotion and movement.  As I swayed back and forth, the sound of the whispering tress became louder.  My swaying led to twirling, around and around until the trunks of the trees became my partners and their limbs delicately leading the dance.  The music of the forest surrounded us, branches hitting and rubbing against each other created percussion like rhythm of clapsticks. A bullfrog, which had been hiding near the stream, now proudly showed his baritone voice, croaking with great pride along with the trees.  The once grumpy woodpecker swallowed his pride and began rapping onto a hallowed out birch tree, giving structure to this make-shift band.  To stand on stage with this band of vagabonds was an honor.  If the sound that was made that day was a feeling- it would be the feeling you get when you are pleasantly surprised by someone, if it was a flavor- it would be chocolate ice cream with peanut butter ribbons running through it, if it was a piece of furniture- it would be my favorite old recliner, the one that needed a little extra nudge to recline back, if it was smell- it would be the most fragrant lilac bush, sweet with the freshness of spring.  The sound created replenished my soul, and showed me that life is truly good.  I twirled in harmony with the kaleidoscope of colors the sun showered upon us, all while I embraced the heart of life.   

            As I exited the forest that day, I rummaged through my jacket pockets, in search of my car keys, but my feelers came across the smallest of acorns instead, I had unknowingly (or subconsciously) brought a piece of the magic with me.  Even though I physically left the forest, I did not purge myself of the secrets which Forest of Whispers entrusted me with; for I hear them in the innocence of a baby’s giggle, I smell them in the sweet fragrance of spring, I feel them in the tenderness of a soft touch and I see them in the beauty that surrounds me.   I know the heart of life is good. 

Everything is Going to be OK!

It's been a rough couple of days in Western New York. We've experienced a  thaw (a high of 48 degrees to be precise), rain, thunder and lightening, HUGE ENORMOUS snow flakes, sleet and drizzle.  We've had the sun-shining as bright as a summers day and we now have the typical sky of the season, overcast.  I share that with you because with all the emotions of mother nature being outta whack they put my bipolar crazy train in full motion. Thankfully after being down for 24 plus hours with my chosen disorder and a migraine, I am happy to back up and running today.  Although there will be days that I don't always get a chance to post something on my blog I will always be sure to post every other day.  Thank you all for taking time to POP on over and visit my beautiful functionally dysfunctional mind :)  Peace & <3!

"My Dance with Neptune and Poseidon"

                I was told that I had visited the ocean before. It was only once, and I was much younger. I really wish I had been able to remember that experience because it would have saved me much embarrassment, not only at the time of the “violation” but for the many years to come. I must go back to the summer of 2005, the summer the ocean rejected me.

                The summer of 2005 my husband and I took our three boys to Parsippany, New Jersey, the place where my father began a new life after an old marriage. With the kids excited to see PaPa Al, we began our visit. It didn’t take long to hear those famous words, “I’m bored.” come from my children. It was mid-July and the summer’s sun seemed to heat up my Dad’s small cottage home like a microwave oven and we were a snack-sized bag of popcorn inside, being popped open and bouncing off of each other. In order to survive, we needed an escape. It would be my longing to visit the ocean, and the hope of escaping the heat, that would set the longevity of my story into motion. So with the hope of cooling off with a dip in the “monster”, aka, ocean, we were off.

    Growing up in Chautauqua County seems to have graced me with naiveness in geographic matters. Because after 15 minutes into our journey to the beach, it became apparent that our water paradise was not simply around the corner. After 45 minutes into our drive to the beach, it became even more apparent that 7 people cannot fit into a Chevy Malibu. As anxious as I was to escape the tightness of the vehicle, later in the day I would be even more anxious to get back into its tight embrace.

    When finally were able to see the beach I immediately noticed the sea of bodies strewn around the sand. I was amazed that there would be any room for my rowdy gang of merry men and myself, but there was. Even more amazing then our ability to secure a spot on the beach was the beaches ability to charge us for admittance. Hadn’t God graced us all with oceans, seas, lakes, rivers, creeks, streams and even mud puddles? My father anted up and off we were to finally experience the greatness of the ocean.

                I quickly spread our blanket on the sand, which may I mention wasn’t white at all but more of a whitish tan, not at all what they show on all the tourism commercials. With our camp staked out, we shed our human clothing for the beach ware of the ocean. My children in their cute Old Navy swimming trunks, my husband looking dashing in his tropical island print board shorts and I in my tankini “moo moo”, all ran down to the water’s edge to finally free ourselves of the heat which had enslaved us for most of the day. As we stuck our piggies into the water I began to have visions of Bill Nye the Science Guy, episode 20, the one about density and buoyancy. I began to remember that salt water makes anything more buoyant. As I allowed this idea of buoyancy to take over my brain, I began to lose touch with reality. I began to see myself in my “moo moo” tankini, graceful and elegantly floating upon the waters of Mother Earth. What a beautiful mind movie I had made for myself. The problem was, this mind movie should have stayed just that, a mind movie.

                As the idea crept into my mind, waves began to creep on to shore. I should have noticed this change in the water but my focus was only on one thing, buoyancy. As I entered the water I began to wonder how far I would have to go out to achieve this “free floating” that I was sure would be a wonderful experience. I decided to give it a try as the water reached my waist. I lifted my legs up off the ocean floor and found myself sinking back into the water. I needed to be further out.

                I wish I would have noticed the waves growing larger in size, but the only thing I was seeing grow was my unwavering determination to test out Bill Nye’s science experiment. I paddled further out, trying not to think of the movie “Jaws”, which for me is pretty hard considering I am scared to death of anything with a dorsal fin that can eat a man in one bite. It was once the water reached the middle of my belly that I began to feel I had finally reached the “sweet spot”. As my body began to lift onto the surface of the ocean, visions of my mind movie swept into my thoughts. I was envisioning myself gracefully floating along the gentle patterns of the ocean.  I was free.  Unfortunately, the thoughts were not to be the only thing that would sweep in.

                In my attempt to find buoyancy, I found rejection. The force that I felt lifting me onto the surface was actually a wall of water, sent by Neptune to forcefully evict me from its domain. In all actuality, I had I became caught up in an undertow. The impact of the wave was quick. It swept my body onto the ocean’s edge, leaving me flaying with panic and confusion.

                The rejection I felt from Neptune and his brother, Poseidon was not only scary - it was embarrassing! It seems that after being caught in the undertow I was deposited onto a beach full of onlookers. My mind movie became a skit, a show for all of those witnessed the wave growing larger, nearing a unknowing dreamer, swallowing her into its belly and spitting her back out with disgust. The climax of this skit would be my flaying body, full of sand and seaweed, sprawled out on the beach gasping for air. My tankini no longer contained the parts in which it was made for. There I was, in all my glory, lying on the beach for all to see. When I was finally able to focus my eyes, my husband came into view. He was standing over me, urging me to get up. After a few minutes of me pleading for help, I found my bearings and took in my surroundings. Until that moment I was certain I was still in water, drowning and in need of rescue. I immediately stood up, taking in what had just happened to me, I was rejected by the sea. Like a child biting into a sour lemon, I was spat out.

                Later that day, I was finally able to wash the aftermath of the day’s events. I was left with at least 2 cups of good ole’ Jersey sand, it wasn’t white, and it wasn’t pretty. It was a reminder of all that I had hoped for of that day and the disappointment it had become. The full impact of what could have happened to me that day hadn’t sunk into my brain; I could have been dragged out to sea instead of deposited safely onto the beach. I am now grateful for the warning, and appreciate the strength and beauty the ocean holds.

                It has been six years since I was violated by the furry of the ocean. I am no longer a fan of Bill Nye the science guy and I leave all experiments to the professionals. I have been to the ocean since, simply as a spectator not a participant. I did manage to gain enough courage to dip my piggies into the water, but no further than my ankle did I dare go. Although I am weary of shaking hands with the water gods again again, I know that one day I will have to overcome that fear. Since that day in July, the story of my “tangle with the ocean” is one that has been told over and over, and I’m sure it will continue to be shared for many years to come. I envision my grandchildren sitting on my husband’s lap, being told of the day their grandmother danced with Neptune and his brother, Poseidon and I will smile.  

Mind Games

My darkness consumes me pulling me back
Deeper and deeper
Into the abyss I fall
Barely breathing with the pressure of a hundred thoughts and a million emotions weighing heavy upon my chest
My mind won't rest
My heart won't mend
So I crawl back up
The sides of the rugged well
I will not bend, I will not fall
For the games within my mind affects them all

Untitled~ Chapter 4

    “Aika, go on without me. Leave me here.” Thérèse breathlessly said as they made their way up the third large hill of the day.

    “Thérèse, why do you have to be so stubborn? If you would just turn your bicycles motor on you can easily make it up the hill, I promise.” Aika said for what felt like the billionth time since they had begun their journey along the country roads of Tuscany only two days ago.

    “Aika, I’ve told you how I feel about turning the motor on, it cheapens the experience.”

    “Yes, but why can’t you see that you are the only one here not enjoying the whole experience. Look. Look how happy the rest of the group is.” Aika pleades with her friend.

    Thérèse looked up at the rest of the group who have almost crested the hill and even from a distance could see their smiles and hear their laughter.

    “You are right, Aika. I will turn the motor on.” Thérèse said as she reaches down and against her best judgment succumbs to using the motor by flicking the red toggle switch to the on position.

    Aika patiently waits for Thérèse. Although she is a little ways up the hill, Aika can still hear the humming of the motor on Thérèse’s bicycle come nearer to her.

    “Finally! She should have done that three days ago,” Aika thought to herself as Thérèse began to make her way towards her Aika. Suddenly Aika notices that Thérèse’s bicycle is quickly gaining speed and becomes worried that her friend may get hurt. The closer Thérèse gets to Aika, the clearer she can see her face and hear her cheers.

    “Wooo Hooo! You were right Aika, this IS fun!” Thérèse exuberantly yelled as she zipped up the hill, leaving Aika pleasantly dazed in her wake.

    Aika smiled as Thérèse passed the rest of the group one by one, laughing as she made her way to the top of the hill. Even though she was proud of Thérèse, she envied the girls ability to finally let go of her fear and enthusiastically adapt to it.

    “Aika, what are you doing way down here by yourself?” Emilio asked as he made his way alongside of Aika.

    Emilio appeared to be around the same ages as her father, who was turning 51 this year. She had come to grow sweet on the old man and depend on his curious sense of humor to cheer her and the group up when they were all but exhausted after a long day on the road. Aika slowed her motor down to slow, allowing Emilio a chance to catch his breath. Although he owned and ran DuVine Bicycle Adventures who were famous for their motorized bicycles, Emilio chose to keep the same bicycle he had rode for more then 30 years— an adult tricycle he called Daisy. Although Aika was curious about the name, she didn’t dare ask; besides, Daisy carried the groups much needed supplies for the day. Even though she carried a cooler on her backside which contained water and light snacks for the group she was best known for her collection of Italian wines. The group as a whole looked forward to the vintage wine from the local Tuscan vineyards.

    “Aika, may I be as bold as to ask you what brought you to my home, to Tuscany?” Emilio hesitantly and delicately asked Aika.

    If she had been asked such a personal question a week ago, Aika would have been guarded with her answer. In the little time she had spent in the land from her dreams, she had begun to open up.

    “That is a tricky question to answer as it has many layers.” Aika began to explain.

    Emilio quickly interrupted Aika as he stumbled out his words, “I must apologize for the coarseness of my question; it is not my place to ask you to share such personal information.”

    “No need Emilio, I don’t mind telling you. I am honored that you care enough to ask.” Aika said honestly, hoping to relieve the man’s ill placed guilt.

    “Since I was a small child I often dreamed of visiting Italy. Some mornings it was difficult to wake from my dreams because I felt so connected to the land I had never even set foot in. So when I was given this trip to Tuscany as a gift from my Auntie Ren, I was more then surprised as no one but my mother had known of my dreams. You see, this trip was also a gift from my mother who died from cancer shortly after my twin brother, Aiko, and I turned 12.”

    “Aika, I am so very sorry for your loss. It must have been hard growing up without your mother.”

    “Thank you. Yes, at first it was hard because I hadn’t known she was ill. I mean I understood she hadn’t been feeling well but I didn’t know she was fighting for her life. It was difficult not knowing why. Once I found out how long she had really been sick, I began to appreciate the time I had with my mother as a blessing and I vowed that I would always make her proud of me. That is why I always made sure I took care of my father and brother as she did. I cooked their meals from her recipes, hemmed my father’s trousers with her needle, and cleaned the floor with her broom,” Aika explained as they made their way up the steep hill.

    She glanced at Emilio and appreciated the softness in his eyes as he waited for her to continue with her story.

    “It wasn’t until I decided to leave to study to be a teacher of Italian language at University when I felt my first twinge of guilt. I felt as though I was disappointing my mother by not staying with Aiko and father. But I felt a strong urge pushing me to go beyond my comfort zone and enrolled fulltime in the university.”

    “Cheers for you Aika! You should be very proud of yourself.”

    “Thank you Emilio, but until last week I wasn’t proud of my any of my accomplishments, neither finishing four years at the university or graduating near the top of my class. I still felt as though my mother would have liked for me to take care of my family or maybe she’d like it if I was married with children by now. If it wasn’t for my Auntie Ren I would still feel as though I had let mother done. Auntie Ren gave me more than this trip to Tuscany, she bestowed to me the greatest gift I could have received—my mother’s acceptance.”

    Aika could feel the tears once again; they made their way down the familiar path of her face.

    “Aika I am sorry I have upset you by my question, it was neither my intention nor my place to inquire about your personal life.” Emilio said as he fought back the ball which was making its way up his throat.

    With her tears still streaming, Aika stopped her bike and walked it near the side of the road.

    “You must not feel bad Emilio. This story has a happy ending. You see, my Auntie Ren was my mother’s only sister and they spent much time together, especially when the end was near. During this time my mother shared much with her younger sister. My mother shared her secret dreams which were left unfulfilled, the story of young love which bonded her and my father together, and the hopes and dreams she had for Aiko and me. Even though my mother loved being a wife and flourished at being a mother to Aiko and me, she had dreams. She dreamt of foreign lands and a chance to be free.”

    “Here,” Emilio said as he reached inside the pocket of his plaid brown twill coat and handed her a soft red handkerchief.

    Aika immediately used the cloth to wipe off the tears which had collected near the point of her chin. She paused a moment, recognizing something familiar about the red cloth.

    Odd, she thought as she continued telling her story. “You must understand, Emilio, my mother had made my Auntie Ren promise to always nurture my independence, encourage me to dream, promote the importance of being myself, and to promote the idea that true love does exist.”

    “Both your Auntie Ren and your mother sound like wonderful souls, Aika.”

    “They truly are. You see Emilio my mother knew me well enough to understand that it would take a dream to wake me up to reality and allow my dream to become reality. Even though my Auntie was told to present me with trip to Italy, my mother never explained why and my Auntie never asked—she just promised she would. My mother granted my Auntie Ren the freedom to create the trip any way she chose and to decide the right time present it to me,” Aika paused a moment and smiled.

    “Emilio, riding this bicycle alongside this Tuscan country road with you as Thérèse crazily waves down to us from top of this hill. This is my mother’s summit, and this is her dream. This trip is both her wish for me and her gift to me.” Aika concluded.

    Although she had stopped crying, Aika brought the soft cloth Emilio had given her towards her face. She held the open cloth in her hands and brought closer. As she held it, she pressed it against her skin and breathed in its scent, a familiar scent. She kept the cloth there for a moment as she tried to pinpoint the scent. Suddenly her grandmother’s smile and her mother’s laughter came forth into her mind. Ahhh, the scent of roses was a powerful memory conductor. As Aika brought her hands away from her face, she noticed Emilio. He was crying.

    Aika made her way to him, “Silly old man, don’t cry for me. I have been given the greatest gift, a loving mother who even in death is always with me. I am blessed.” And with that she hugged him and kissed him on his cheek.

    “Thank you for sharing your story with me Aika, you have no idea how much it means to me,” Emilio said as they both reached for their bicycles.

    They rode to the top of the hill in silence.

    “What took you both so long? Did you see me Aika? I was going so fast up the hill that I nearly flew off the top.” Thérèse said.

  

Untitled~ Chapter 3

    As the tour group began to become restless, eager to begin their much anticipated bicycle tour, Emilio frantically searched the busy airport crowd for a sign of his two missing tourists. It had been well over and hour ago when he recommended that the young ladies visit Caffé dell'Ussuro. As they were the only tourists travelling alone, he had hoped they would bump in to each other. He often worried when such young girls traveled alone. Although he had no children himself, he was nearly old enough to be their father and being so, began to worry as one. He was very relieved when he saw the two familiar faces in the busy crowded airport making their way towards him.

    “Emilio! Please except my apologies.” Aika said as she came upon the man who looked worried.

    “It was entirely my fault Emilio, please except my apologies. If I hadn’t…” Thérèse began before Emilio caught both girls off guard with a hug and a peck on the cheek.

    “No worries, no worries. Please, join the rest of the group inside the bus. Your tour is about to begin!” Emilio was relieved that the girls had found each other equally as much as he was relieved that they found their way back to the airport.

    Climbing back onboard the air conditioned travel bus; Emilio quickly grabbed the microphone located above the driver’s seat. “Welcome to DuVine Adventures Tuscany Bicycle Tour! I am Emilio, your tour guide. I will be accompanying you during the duration of your experience with DuVine Adventures. Please feel free to come to me with any questions or concerns you may have.”

    Aika and Thérèse made their way to their seats inside the tour bus as Emilio continued.

    “I have worked for DuVine Adventure for 30 years. DuVine Adventures was founded by my grandfather, Giuseppe Bifaro and was passed down to my father, Angelo Bifaro and finally to me, Emilio Bifaro. We are one of the last remaining family run tour groups in Italy and it is my privilege to bike alongside you as we explore Tuscany. We will travel to Etruscan villages, medieval fortresses, and Renaissance masterpieces. But perhaps the greatest masterpiece of this storied land is its wine.” Emilio said with a kidlike chuckle.

    “Again, welcome to Italy. Let us begin your adventure, shall we?” He said as he sunk into his captain seat behind the wheel of the bus.

    Aika and Thérèse were able to find two seats together near the back of the bus where there was plenty of room for Thérèse’s bouquet. The girls spoke very little as they were both exhausted from their flight as well as their adventure thus far. As Aika began to be lulled to sleep by rose scented currents of childhood memories she reached for the Cherry Blossom Kanzashi that Margret had given her. She knew her mother was with her.

Leaving the Nest

          As the days grew nearer to Charles’s departure date, Ann’s motherly nature took hold of every fiber of her being. She was beginning to think that maybe joining the Army wasn't the best choice for him and maybe he should give college one more try (even though during the three semesters he did “try” he managed to achieve academic probation). No, she knew in her heart of hearts, his decision was the right one. This moment wasn't about her, or the ache she felt in every cell of her body, this moment was his and his alone.

          Charles was the oldest of her three children, all boys. He wasn't a “bad” kid, just one without direction. During his high school years he had done the usual rebellion, slacked on his school work, pushed his limits with his attitude and mouth, and even dabbled with marijuana. Although it was this rebellion that would be the very thing that would divide the family, it would ultimately strengthen it. His relationship with his father was strained due to Charles’s inability to securely grip adulthood. Ann and her husband, Miguel, were rarely on the same page when it came to parenting techniques. Miguel had a no-nonsense/traditional approach, whereas Ann had a more non-traditional way of looking at things. Ultimately, their contrast of ideas became too much and their relationship began to dissolve. Thankfully, they were able to strengthen their relationship and co-parent in a way that was healthy for the whole family. They imposed some “tough love” into Charles’s teenage angst world, which created an effect that was far tougher for Ann and Miguel than it was for Charles.

          The months and years to come were hard. It was hard for Ann to watch as Charles would falter, jumping from job to job. His behavior and lack of respect was beginning to affect his two younger brothers. They began to have trouble in school and with their peers. Being supportive for Charles was important but not at the expense of his younger brothers. Eventually, Charles was asked to leave the home. This decision was not only hard to make but it exhausted Ann’s body, mind, and soul. She would often cry alone, her heart breaking for her son, but knowing that their decision was right for him. It would be this heartbreaking turn of events that aided Charles in the choosing the right path towards adulthood.

It had been twelve months, almost to the day, since Ann and Miguel had packed Charles’s bags and sent him out into the world. They now found themselves standing amongst other proud parents inside a small room filled with anxious soon-to-be United States soldiers. It wouldn't be until this moment, the moment when their little boy stood before God, his country, and his two proud parents, that they were finally able to breathe. They had made the right decision; they had swallowed their pride and come together, parenting as one unit as opposed to two.

          During his almost 21 years of life, Charles had lived either at home or within a comfortable distance away from home, close enough for Ann. She had always known this day would come, the day when one of her little “birds” would fly away from the safety of the “nest” she and her husband, Miguel, had created. She began to feel torn between the pride she felt for her son’s decision to join the Army and the gripping pain, knowing that he was no longer going to be her little boy. As she began to rationalize her feelings it became clear to her that he would be all right. Until she breathed her last breath, her job as a mother was far from done; she would always be there for her baby birds, even if it meant kicking them out of the nest. It is a far greater reward to watch as they learn how to fly on their own than it is to enable them never to try. 

The Waiting Room

    As I entered the waiting room, I slyly glanced around; surveying the relative safety of this particular location. I noticed the awkwardly aging head of the receptionist siting oddly on display behind thick plane of safety glass, like the glass barrier often used at zoos when displaying the animals. Her head sat under a LARGE orange arrow, which nonchalantly pointed directly at her. I reluctantly walked up and pressed a red button which sat underneath a sign that said “Press here!” Just as quickly as I had pressed the button, a nasally voice bolted from the dried, curled up mouth that was attached to the front of the head. She requested for me to ante-up with both my name and payment for admission, going on to say that today’s festivities were only free for “those type of people”, apparently I didn’t qualify. Our transactions were solely done through the use of a microphone and a drawer that up until then I had only used when corresponding with my bank teller. I added my name to the long list of those who had came before me and to those who will sadly come after I am gone.

With that uncomfortable dealing done with, I took my rightful place amongst my new sorority sisters. While teeter tottering upon my seat, in an effort to get comfortable, I noticed the down gazing eyes of the young women I shared the waiting status with. Although I was not surprised of the lack of responsibility shown by the absent males who engaged in the activity of which we were all here for, I still felt a twinge of resentment towards them. I began to become quietly agitated, possibly by the situation I found myself in or more than likely, by the lack of men standing alongside their women. As I scanned the room I became aware that the strong women, whose bodies outlined the room, gave it an odd appearance of a college classroom. The course that was being taught, “Sexual Education”, was new to many and a refresher for some, I fell in the latter category. As my name was called, I was jolted from my trance. I was led to an even smaller room by following the jingles of the nurse’s bracelets and the clip clop of her hoof like feet.

The once trance-like state I had induced myself in, was abruptly ended by the noisy nurse. As she shoved a small container into my clenched hand, she asked me if I had to urinate, I quickly responded, “Yes!” There was a time in my life when an oddly rude question like that would have made me uncomfortable and would cause my bladder to clinch up, afraid to give up the answer it contained, thankfully that time was not now. Her request for my urine was something I had come prepared for, with the massive intake of fluids leading up to this moment, I was able produce on demand. I reluctantly yet carefully handed the liquid answer to the nurse who then in turned left me alone inside the room. I listened as she scurried away from the door, leaving me with an eagerness for her to pull from the liquid the answer.

The humidity inside this smaller room was stifling; I began to feel as though I couldn’t breathe. I found myself pacing back and forth, eager for the “fortune teller” nurse to return, bringing with her the secret answer my urine held. I became aware of my shallow breathing and tight chest, caused by my anxiety. With a slow, deep breath in and an even longer one out, I began to regain control of my thoughts and emotions.

As I relaxed into a comfortable position upon the uncomfortable chair in the corner, the “fortune teller” nurse returned. With the sterile-ness of the environment, she delivered the answer to me. Although her words were fading in and out I was almost positive that the nurse had just confirmed what I already knew. Even though it had been five years since my last confirmation, I knew what the word looked like as it passed through the lips….positive. I sat silently, absorbing that fact. I couldn’t believe I had found myself in the same situation again. While the nurse continued on and on with her obligatory spilling of words and babbling of nonsense, throwing in a pamphlet every now and then, for good measure; I began to daydream of my future. A future filled with baby diapers and bibs, car seats and highchairs, laughter and cooing, my husband and I happily raising our children together. Just as easy as it was for me to decide so few of years earlier, I knew what my answer would be, without question, I would keep my baby.

UNTITLED~Chapter 2

“Aika Shizuka?”

The sound of her name from a stranger’s mouth alarmed her at first. It had been only 48 hours since Aika was surprised with her dream trip to Tuscany. Her Aunt Ren was more than generous by arranging the all-expense paid Tuscany Bicycle Trip of her dreams. The hours since she had sat at the table at Oyaji had been jammed pack with preparations for her departure from Japan and her arrival in Italy; all of this had left her head spinning.

When her plane had landed at Pisa's Galileo Galilei airport, she had been sure she was dreaming. As Aika followed the other passengers down the steep portable stairway from the plane and onto the tarmac, she paused a moment to take in the view. The various, lush vegetation that hugged the runway took her breath away. It was the smell of Italy that immediately welcomed her. As she made her way off the tarmac and into the airport, the dampness of the soil and the crispness of the coffee that wavered through the air, made its way into her heart. As a little girl, no more than nine years old, she seldom had had a night where she didn’t dream of visiting Italy. Now, as she stood waiting for her luggage to magically appear from behind the thick secretive curtains of the luggage carousal, she was certain she was still dreaming.

It was her tour guide’s voice that roused her, snapping her drifting mind to the present, to Italy.

“Aika Shizuka? I am looking for Aika Shizuka.”

“I’m sorry. I am Aika Shizuka.”

“It’s very nice to meet you Aika. Welcome to DuVine Adventures Tuscany Bicycle Tour. My name is Emilio and I hope you are ready to make memories that will last you a lifetime,” said her tour guide in a garden-variety “tour guide” voice.

Although he most likely was reading from a card, his words seemed genuine; Aika immediately knew she would like Emilio. His warm smile, slightly wavy peppered hair, and beautiful Italian accent reminded her of her Italian language teacher from University and put her immediately at ease.

“Thank you. It is very nice to meet you too. Although I have to admit I am worried that I may slow down the group. It has been many years since I have ridden a bicycle,” Aika admitted.

This was the only worry she had had as she prepared for her trip and there was nothing she could bring along that would assist her in it. She would just have to keep up with her tour group. She dreaded the thought of drawing any undue attention to herself.

“You will do great, I am sure of it. Our bicycles are equipped with electric motors which you can turn on and off as you like. Our goal is to make your experience pleasant, not unpleasant. I promise you, this tour is going to be an adventure that will leave you with stories which you can share with your grandchildren years from now,” Emilio graciously explained as they made their way to the tour bus.

“Thank you for understanding, Emilio. Your words put me at ease.”

“I am happy that I have eased your mind young lady.” Emilio said as he carried Aika’s luggage out to the parking area of the airport.

The two continued to chat about the upcoming week as they made their way to the tour bus, which resembled her father’s delivery van but had pictures of what appeared to be grapevines draped down its sides. As Emilio stowed Aika’s bright red Roncato luggage underneath the belly of the bus, she was caught off guard. She noticed that amongst the typical colors of black, blue, and brown luggage that there was only one other that stood out besides hers—a bright fuchsia Prada bag with a bold flowered print showering it’s exterior. Aika was happy to know that there was at least one other who appreciated color.

“Will we be heading to Montopoli Val d’Arno soon?” Aika asked as Emilio locked the luggage area of the bus.

“We will be waiting just a tad bit longer for a few of your tour companions’ to arrive. They are due to arrive very shortly,” Emilio explained. “Please take this time to acquaint yourself with Pisa. I suggest a local caffé, Caffé dell'Ussuro, where they brew an amazing cup of la tazza di caffè. Honestly, it is out of this world; I promise you it will be a very enjoyable welcome to Italy. The coffee has been described as being somewhat of a buttery texture that is wonderfully smooth and mellow, just what the tour guide ordered,” Emilio said with a sort of joking tone in his voice.

“I think I will take your advice. I am a bit sleepy from the flight and could use a little pick me up. Where would I find this enchanting beverage?” Aika said with the same whimsical tone in her voice as Emilio had in his. Yes, she was sure this was going to be a wondrous trip.

“At Caffe dell'Ussuro. It’s just three blocks north of the airport. But please Miss, be sure to be back within the hour as we will be heading to Montopoli Val d’Arno and your hotel,”

“I will! Thank you!” Aika said as she made her way out of the busy airport.

Finally….Italy! Aika thought to herself as she walked along the unfamiliar streets near the airport. She walked slowly, being sure to take in the sights and sounds that she had remembered from her childhood dreams. The sound of a dog barking and old men talking about the way things used to be, complimented the experience.

As she continued on down the street she came upon a quaint little flower shop. Remembering she had only a small amount of time to retrieve her coffee and make her way back to Emilio and the rest of the tour group, she only allowed herself to slow down to a snail’s pace as she took in the sweet smells of the flowers, satisfying her desire for the authentic smells of Italy. She noticed an old lady tending to the beautiful foliage within and was greeted by her smile. Aika shyly smiled back as she made her way on by, wishing she had time to stop.

“If time allows, on the way back to the airport I will be sure to stop and say hello to the old woman,” Aika said out loud to herself continuing along the path to Caffé dell'Ussuro.

She had been walking nearly 15 minutes when she came upon an intersection. Confused as to which way to go, Aika scanned the area for signs or clues to the Caffé. After a few minutes she had all but given up when a woman with brilliantly blond hair, swept up in a loose bun, and who was dressed in a beautiful cobalt blue sundress accented with a fuchsia scarf, approached her.

“Excusez-moi, but would you happen to know where to find Caffé dell'Ussuro? I have just recently arrived to Pisa and seem to have lost my way,” the lady with the dress said with a thick French accent.

“I’m sorry, but I too have just recently arrived to Pisa, only an hour ago to be exact. As much as I would love to help you, I seem to be having the same trouble as you. I am looking for Caffé dell'Ussuro also,” Aika shared with the woman.

“Odd. Pardon me, but it is a strange coincidence, isn’t it? The both of us in search of the same caffé?”

“Yes I do find it puzzling but maybe together we could solve the mystery. Would you care to join me as I continue my search of Caffé dell'Ussuro? Although I must tell you, I am to be back at Galileo Galilei airport in 40 minutes. I am to meet up with the rest of my tour group,” Aika shared with the stranger.

“I am also meeting with my tour group at the Galileo Galilei airport!” the lady exclaimed. “Say, may I ask you where you are touring?”

“I am touring Tuscany with DuVine Adventures,” Aika responded.

“As am I!” The lady excitedly shared as she grabbed Aika with a tight awkward embrace. “My name is Thérèse and I am so pleased to meet you…”

Finding a way to acquire her body back from Thérèse, Aika introduced herself.

“It’s very nice to meet you Thérèse, my name is Aika. Would you mind it very much if we walked and talked? We only have so much time before we have to be back.”

“Oh no, not at all Aika. I am very happy to have met you here, before we meet up with the rest of the group. I’m afraid I almost didn’t take this trip for fear of getting lost so you see, finding you here on a street corner in beautiful Pisa, Italy is a sign that we will become great friends. Don’t you agree?” Thérèse excitedly said as they walked along still searching for the caffé.

The two women discussed much before reaching their destination. In the five minutes it took to finally find Caffé dell'Ussuro Aika learned much about her new companion. Firstly, she was 24 year old and newly divorced from a bartender who she met at a club on the outskirts of Paris, France. She was still having a hard time accepting that her husband left her for a go go dancer at the club. Thérèse’s marriage lasted exactly 7 months 16 days 21 hours and 34 minutes. Secondly, she was an only child from a very wealthy family. Their wealth came from shoelaces named, “Just You Two”. These were not just any shoelaces but teen influenced shoelaces. They had designs and patterns on them, as well as being produced in various colors and textures. Much of their wealth was acquired in the 1980’s when bands like Wham! and Duran Duran were seen publicly wearing the shoelaces. Their brand of “Just You Two” shoelaces became an overnight success. Lastly, Thérèse was a sweetheart. Although she looked the part of a beautiful, spoiled rich girl she was very down to earth.

As the two girls stood in line at Caffé dell'Ussuro Aika grabbed Thérèse’s hand and said, “I too am glad we found each other. We are going to have a wondrous adventure together.”

All the girl could do was smile. Unbeknownst to Aika, Thérèse had never had a girlfriend. Although her family’s wealth was a blessing it was also a curse. Many of the girls she went to school with were hesitant to visit at her family’s villa and rarely asked her to theirs. The warmth Thérèse felt from Aika’s hand traveled all the way to her heart. For once, Thérèse was speechless.

The two tourists walked silently with their caffé from Caffé dell'Ussuro. Thérèse was silently enjoying the sweet taste of a new blossoming friendship. Aika was silently enjoying the sweet nutty taste of her first Italian caffé. The sweetness delighted each and every one of her taste buds as it made its way on by. With each sip from the cup, they rejoiced as though they were experiencing it for the first time.

Ahhh, finally a true Italiano experience. Being in Italy still feels like a dream, Aika thought to herself.

With just 20 minutes left to get back to the airport Aika knew they didn’t need to be sidetracked but as they approached the quaint little flower shop. Like a bee to a flower, Aika too felt drawn to the flower shop.

“Thérèse would you mind terribly if we stopped if only for a moment, to look inside of the flower shop? I know we haven’t much time and I promise you I will be quick. It’s strange but I almost feel drawn to take a peek inside.” Aika said.

“Not at all, we have a few minutes to spare. Let’s see what prize awaits us.”

As the girls crossed the threshold of the store they took notice of a sign above the door, “Che Bella”. In Italian the words meant “What a Beautiful”. Aika thought the name fitting for the little boutique.

“What a beautiful fragrant smell!” Aika quietly exclaimed to Thérèse.

The sweet fragrances of the various flowers within the boutique politely introduced themselves to her nasal passages; each making sure they stood out above the rest. The smell of roses was the strongest to come forth, reminding Aika of her grandmother and of the rose scented hand cream she had favored. Remembering her grandmother made Aika smile. It had been many years since Aika had thought of her grandmother’s smiling face. Aika was only eight year old when her grandmother passed away. Sadly, her presence in Aika’s life slowly slipped away from the young girls memories, only leaving behind the scent of roses.

When Aika was a little girl she would often spend the night with her grandmother. Her grandmother would often set up a tea party for the two. Her grandmother would tell funny childhood stories of Aunt Ren and Aika’s mother, which always left Aika and her grandmother laughing until their bellies hurt. Then they would drink grandmother’s special mixture of tea and nibble upon the Sweet Rice Redbean Donuts which could only be found only at the local bakery. At night, right before bed, her grandmother would allow Aika to use a small amount of the rose smelling cream. Aika felt very “grown up” as she dipped her tiny fingers slowly into the silky soft pink cream. She would carefully rub the lusciousness into her small hands, stopping every now and then to smell its rich flowery essence. Aika’s grandmother would stand watch over the small girl, smiling the whole time. Although it wasn’t often, but whenever Aika came upon the same scent she instinctively brought her hands to her face in hopes that the rosy essence was still with her, and it usually was. She knew she was still being watched over by her loving grandmother whose smile radiated as brightly as Aika’s mothers did.

“Aika! Stop that you’re scaring me!” Thérèse said sternly to the daydreaming Aika.

“What….? Oh my, I’m sorry Thérèse. The roses brought me both its beautiful scent along with beautiful memories of my grandmother. I guess I got tangled up within them,” Aika said with a smile.

The girls continued along the pathways of dimly lit boutique stopping every now and then to appreciate the beauty within its walls. After a few minutes their journey leads them to the back of the store and to the little old lady with a big smile.

"May help you?" The little old lady with a thick Italian accent asked.

"No thank you,” said Aika embarrassingly.

Although standing near the little old woman brought Aika the richness she sought in acquiring a truly genuine Pisa experience, an authentic Italian experience, she still felt as though she was to find something from within the walls of the little, treasured flower shop.

"Pardon me, but would you happen to have fleur-de-lis?" Thérèse asked in her beautifully thick French accent.

“I'm sorry dear but I do not,” said the woman as she made her way to an old corn broom which was leaning up against a wall and quickly began sweeping the floor.

Thérèse paused a moment at a creative display of round tied bouquets of sunflowers which were branched in with red roses and eucalyptus. While Thérèse was distracted by the beautiful arrangements’, Aika took a moment to herself.

"Come on, Aika, what are you looking for in this tiny flower shop in the middle of Pisa?" Aika quietly asked herself. Knowing she didn't have the answer to the question, she decided to make her way to the front of the store. Looking back she noticed what appeared to be Therese peeking out from behind a large bouquet of fuchsia violets and enormously large yellow sunflowers.

"Look Aika! Aren't they just magnificent?" Thérèse said with youthful exuberance.

"Yes, they are quite beautiful."

"We shall have to find the most perfect vase to display them. We wouldn't want our hotel room to look shabby, would we? I love fuchsia but I want you to love them also. What is your favorite color Aika?"

Trying to wrap her mind around what Thérèse had just said, Aika could do no more than answer the girl, "Red. My favorite color is red."

"That's wonderful! We both love red or a shade of red! I knew that we were meant to be friends! Besties!"

Surprisingly, Aika found herself beginning to believe it too. Surrendering to the joyfulness in Thérèse's expression, Aika smiled at Thérèse and agreed, “I think you are right!" .

Once Thérèse paid for her outrageously large bouquet of flowers, the two girls made their way towards the door when suddenly Aika stopped dead in her tracks—something familiar caught her eye, a fleck of red against an old wooden table top. Aika recognized it at once as a red Japanese Cherry Blossom Kanzashi. She immediately felt her mother's presence along with a steady stream of wet tears.

Noticing her newest customers paused at the door the old lady went to investigate. When she came upon Aika crying she could do no more than embrace the girl. Aika melted into the warm arms of the woman who just 10 minutes ago had been a stranger.

Concerned about her new friend, Thérèse attempted to join in the embrace. Thérèse's genuine care for her new friend, and the old lady’s warm embrace helped Aika dry her tears and explain her connection with the Cherry Blossom Kanzashi. Once she was done telling her friends about her mother, her illness, and their still ever present mother daughter bond, Aika found she consoling not only the old lady but Thérèse too.

“Here, you must take this,” the old lady said to Aika. She attempted to dodge the old ladies generous gift, of the Cherry Blossom Kanzashi but failed.

“Thank you but I will pay for it,” Aika said.

“No! You will take this as a gift from not only me, but also your mother,” the old woman forcefully, yet sweetly said as she pinned it into Aika’s hair.

“Thank you…?” Realizing she didn’t know the old woman’s name, Aika’s face grew red with embarrassment.

“Margaret. My name is Margret.”

“Thank you Margret. My name is Aika and this is my friend Thérèse.”

“It is very nice to meet you and your beautiful flowers Margret,” Thérèse said.

Hating to be rude but knowing they had stayed longer than expected, the girls said goodbye to their new friend.

"Ciao bueno Margaret! Adieu!" They shouted to Margaret who was now standing in front of her quaint little flower shop waving goodbye with one hand and wiping her tears away with her other.

“Che bella vita. What a beautiful life.” She yelled back at the girls.

UNTITLED~Chapter I (REVISED)

CHAPTER I

It was Aika’s last day as a college student; she had spent the past four years studying the Italian language at the University of Japan and was beginning the next phase of her life, whatever that should be. Her choice of career was often subject to debate whenever she visited home, namely by her twin brother, Aiko. He often mocked her dream of being a teacher of the Italian language. Although foreign language teachers were needed in Japan, Italian was not one of the most popular choices. Aika knew this when she first chose her major yet, despite her brothers naysaying, it didn’t bother her. Aika had never visited Italy but somehow she still felt drawn to the language as well as the culture that the country offered. After working hard for the last four years, she graduated near the top of her class. Graduation day was more than two days ago and with the help of her brother, today was moving day and the first day of the rest of her life. She anxiously waited for Aiko to arrive with their families work van which for the day was serving as a moving van.

As Aika stood at her dormitory window, enjoying her last few minutes alone, she was suddenly swept away with thoughts of her mother. Aika’s almond brown eyes began to swell with tears as the thoughts swirled and danced inside her mind, bringing forth memories of her mother’s laughter and also of her smile. Whenever she thought of her mother’s smile, the one that would light up a room, Aika would always beam with pride, as she shared the same smile. When Aika felt down, be it from a paper that was due or from being home sick, it was her mother’s smile that would cheer her up. She kept a picture of her parents by her bed. The picture was taken on their wedding day and Aika’s mother was no older then she was now. Her mother was wearing a beautifully made red silk Cherry Blossom Kanzashi (hair ornament), the same one that Aika would often wear when she wanted to feel connected to her; the one she wore it on graduation day. Aika’s mothers smile almost radiated from the flat one dimensional picture.

She often wondered if her mother was smiling down on her now, proud of her little girl for following her dream of being a teacher; or if she was frowning with disappointment in the fact that Aika wasn’t married with children by now? Although her father had supported her decision to be a teacher, she knew that it was frowned upon by the rest of her family, namely Aiko.

As children they had been as close as two souls could be, playing ball in their small yard and chasing the frozen treat truck during the hot summer months of their youth. They both had their mother’s smile, and their fathers almond brown eyes. They differed in appearance not only because of gender but also because Aiko resembled their paternal grandfather, as they both had beautifully round faces, full of warm vitality. Aika resembled her maternal grandmother, as they both had a classic beauty. Aika’s oval shaped face complemented her creamy complexion and her pink tinged cheeks, drawing upon her warm nature. It was shortly after their 12^th birthday when it all changed and their differences became more than just appearance.

As their birthday approached they began to notice that their mother had started to become increasingly tired, unusual for the fun loving spirited mother they were accustomed to seeing. What they hadn’t taken notice of were of the sudden frequency of doctor’s appointments, the more frequent visits from family and friends, and the secretive conversations held behind closed doors. What Aika and Aiko didn’t know was that their mother was dying of Leukemia. They would later find out that it was their mother’s decision to keep her diagnosis from them, not wanting to alarm the children of her impending death; she wished to create an abundance of beautiful memories for her children, filled with happiness and laughter, not sadness and tears. Aika loved her mother for that.

“Aika, are you ready?” Aiko asked as he walked into the dormitory room. She could tell by the rigidness of his tone that he hadn’t wanted to take the day off from their family fish market. She wished her father would have let her ask her friends. She had planned on asking Jin, a childhood friend, to help her but instead he had ordered her brother to help.

“Yes,” she answered, thinking about their small town and her family. Oh, how she missed the smell of the ocean.

“Good, I don’t want to waste any more time doing what we could have had hired done. I don’t know what father was thinking when he sent me to help you; I have much to do today.”

Since Aiko began working alongside their father at their small, yet profitable, family fish market he slowly began to expand their cliental to local businesses. What began as a small catering business specializing in rare tuna and traditional Japanese sushi, servicing the local area businesses, was quickly expanding into the city. As their catering business grew into a successful business, so did Aiko’s ego.

Aika and Aiko barely spoke during the 45 minute ride home to their small village near Katsuura. They had lived in their small brick home since they were born; it had been in their father’s family for generations. She was anxious to see her father, whom she had not laid eyes upon since her last holiday visit home, more than three months ago. She closed her eyes for what seemed like only a moment, remembering her mother’s face, her father’s laughter and her grandmother’s special tea.

“Isn’t that just great, I’ve wasted my day with this moving nonsense and you sleep it away. By the way, we’re home.”

Aika paused for a moment before opening her eyes, allowing the salty smell of the sea welcome her home. She had always loved the smell of the sea; it reminded her of days lingering along its shores with her family. Her mother would pack a lunch and bring Aika and Aiko down to play with their red dragon kite along the shoreline. They were innocent then, believing that they were touching the clouds as their kite drifted along the invisible currents of wind. While they played their mother would gaze intently at their father as he artfully casted out his fishing line. He would fish for the pure enjoyment of it, not for profit. Aika guiltily grieved more for the total loss of her family as it was, more than she did for her mother. It was memories such as these that allowed Aika to overlook much of her brother’s coldness towards her.

Aiko’s voice snapped her back into the moment, “I’m not unloading this alone Aika! I have places to be!”

Ugh, she thought to herself as she climbed out of the truck. “I know, I know. I’m sorry Aiko. Thank you for helping me with my move back home. I know you are busy with clients,” Aika genuinely answered back against her brother’s impatience. She missed the Aiko from the beach.

As she made her way to the back of the moving van, she caught a glimpse of a familiar face. At first she recognized it as her mother; she often made this mistake since her passing.

“Aika! Welcome home and congratulations on your graduation from the university!”

“Auntie! What a pleasant surprise! Aiko didn’t mention you were going to be visiting,” Aika said as she made her way towards her mother’s younger sister, Ren.

When Aika’s mother was only three years old, her father died in a horrible car accident and it wouldn’t be until she was five that her mother would remarry. Ren was born a year later and became the apple of everyone’s eye, especially her older sister, Aika’s mother. Even though they were six years apart, Aika’s mother and Aunt Ren were inseparable. As adults, Aika’s mother and Aunt Ren would often meet for tea outside their family fish market, drinking Houjicha Karigane (a special family mixture of tea leaves) and nibbling on steamed double-chocolate cupcakes while reminiscing about their youth, and dreaming about their future; they appeared to be acting out a scene from their childhood. As a young girl, Aika would often join them “for tea”, her mother and aunt would giggle and speak about strange things which Aika had no knowledge of. Now, as an adult herself, Aika came to understand that some things are not meant for small ones ears and she was sure that her mother and aunt were speaking “in code”. It warmed Aika’s heart to remember those times, happy times. She was happy that her aunt had taken it upon herself to help Aika settle back into her home and role. The prospect of such a task overwhelmed her but was made easier knowing she was not alone.

“Aika, wake up! I have not come all the way from the city just to stand here and watch you stare out at the universe,” Auntie Ren belted out in her raspy voice and with a mischievous look upon her face. Oh, how Aika missed her!

Quickly, Aika ran to her aunt and with her arms wide open, whole heartedly embracing her. She closed her eyes and for a brief moment she lost herself, envisioning it was her mother hugging her rather than her aunt.

“My goodness child, I’ve missed you too!” Auntie Ren said as she detached herself from Aika.

“I’m sorry Auntie, it’s just that I’ve missed you. I am thrilled that you are here for a visit, if I would have known I would of moved in yesterday and had dinner arranged for today. Please accept my apologies,” Aika shyly said. Although she was elated with her aunt’s visit, she felt embarrassed that she wasn’t prepared.

“Oh nonsense, you silly girl! If you had known yesterday, it wouldn’t have been a surprise today! Besides, I am treating you to dinner tonight, a celebratory dinner—for girls only! I am so proud that you have graduated for University,” Aunt Ren said with a gleam in her eye.

Just then, Aika’s father came walking over, still wearing his work apron, which was decorated with traces of today’s fresh catch of tuna and smelling of fish.

“Aika!” he joyfully exclaimed as he brought her into the warmth of his arms.

Aika didn’t mind that she too now smelled of fish, for it was the smell of an honest man’s work. As a small child, no more than three or four, she had fought hard against his fishy hugs but now as his child of 23 she fought for them.

“Father, I was going to visit you at the market as soon as I unloaded the van.”

“I know, but I thought I would leave work early today to welcome my favorite daughter home. Besides, what use is it to own your own business if you can’t leave early ever now and then?” he answered back as he greeted his sister in law with a hug.

“Now, Aiko, finish helping your sister unload the van, your Auntie Ren and I are going inside for tea and conversation. It has been far too long since we’ve last spoke and we have much to catch up on,” their father said as he and Aunt Ren went inside the house.

“Yes, father.”

Aika took notice of the grumbling behind her. It was coming from her brother.

“I don’t know why Jin is not here to help. He’s practically a family member after all and you are soon to be his responsibility,” Aiko hissed.

He had many expectations of Aika which he made quite clear during their ride home. He had expressed his wish for her to marry Jin, a local boy whom they had grown up with. Although Aika was very fond of Jin, she was by no means in love with him. She had heard from others that their love would come in time, but she didn’t want that for herself. She had dreams of falling in love with a man who loved her for who she was rather then who her family was. The idea of arranged marriages, no matter how foreign and distant the practice may seem to some, was still common. It was now 1999 and although things had not changed much with the general population, they had within her family. It was her father’s wish that both of his children would be blessed to find a love like the one he had with their mother. Aika believed it was her mother’s death that allowed their father to show his feeling and emotions without fear or shame. She had only wished her brother would have followed her father’s lead and done the same. Although she loved Jin, and he her, it was comparable to the love of a brother and a sister.

As children Aika, Aiko and Jin often spent their summers together, dreaming of the future and chasing each other down the shores that lined their village. They acted as carefree children, and rightfully so, as they were still innocent and naïve.

They remained that way until the summer when they first noticed that things around their house were changing. Still not knowing of their mother’s sickness, Aika and Aiko began to notice their mother spoke slower, moved slower, but loved more. The children began to do more to help her around the house, even Jin. The three of them would spend their days assisting in the daily chores, the boys to the more manual jobs such as gardening and even cleaning, and Aika tended to her mother. On their mother’s “bad” days Aika would help her bath and dress, taking extra care when brushing through her long hair as it had begun falling out. Aika was not sure why her mother’s hair was thinning nor did she ask her. As the boys bonded over housework and laundry, Aika and her mother shared times in the kitchen creating dishes that had been passed down generation to generation. Aika began to appreciate the richness of their family’s history. What began as their great, great grandfather’s small fishing line, made up of a few small boats, became their grandfather’s fish market. It was their father’s hard work, determination, genuine care for their community, along with his humbleness about it all, that made for a prosperous and successful livelihood. It was Aiko’s turn now to continue with their family’s tradition of success.

As Aika remembered the days before it all changed, she missed more than anything the closeness of her brother. Although she missed her mother dearly, she knew she had not chosen to leave her children motherless, but Aika felt as though Aiko had chosen to withdraw from her and treat her coldly. It was Jin that would help Aika heal from her mother’s death and her brother’s distance. As Jin and Aika became closer, Aiko grew further from the two of them. He would still run the streets of their small village, but with other boys. Aika and Jin remained close right up until she left for university; their friendship was strictly platonic and had never advanced any further than the brother/sister relationship, even though their families would have hoped for more. In essence, he became the brother that Aiko wasn’t. Recently, Jin had begun dating a classmate of theirs, Ming. Aika and Ming had been in several classes together and she liked her very much.

Aika had been surprised that Jin hadn’t helped Aiko with the move today; it was unlike Jin. As they pulled up to her house today, she had hoped he would be there to welcome her back home.

“Aiko, I was wondering why Jin hadn’t helped with the move today. Do you know if he plans on stopping by?” Aika asked. No sooner had the words slipped out from behind her lips, Aika wished she could fish them back in.

Aika had forgotten about the argument between her brother and Jin. When Aiko first discovered that Jin was courting Ming he became upset—he had assumed that Jin and Aika would marry. Aiko confronted Jin about his relationship with Ming, and what little connection to their former friendship that was left became broken.

“I have no use for Jin, nor do I wish to discuss the lack of his presence today any longer with you. Let’s just get this van unloaded so I can be on my way,” Aiko snapped back at Aika.

“Aiko, I understand. Thank you for all of your help today, it really means a lot.”

Aika could see the hardness in Aiko’s presence begin to soften a bit.

“You’re welcome,” Aiko answered back in a softer tone than earlier.

Ahh, there he is, Aika thought to herself, my brother and friend. It was rare but there were still moments when the old Aiko would return to make his presence known. It was because of those genuine moments that Aika was able to overlook the hardened Aiko.

“If we hurry, we can get have the van unpacked and you can begin to get ready for your night out with Auntie Ren. I still can’t believe she was able to get reservations at Oyaji. It has become quite popular since your last visit a few months ago. How she managed to get reservations on such short notice I still don’t understand. Even I have not been able to make reservations that weren’t more than a week and a half in advance, and it is our business that supplies them with their tuna! You’re going to enjoy it though, I’ll tell you that much,” Aiko said as he brushed the beads of sweat off his brow with the back of his hand. He had hands like father, calloused, stained and rough— the hands of a man who worked hard doing what he loved.

Aika could tell that the wall which Aiko kept guarded was beginning to crumble allowing her to catch a glimpse of her brother from the beach. This warmed her heart and made it easier to be home.

“You could join us tonight at Oyaji if you wish. I’m sure Auntie Ren wouldn’t mind. I hadn’t realized that they had become so popular, although it doesn’t surprise me, after all we are their top vendor for fish,” Aika said with a wink.

“Thank you for inviting me Aika, but like I said earlier I really do have some business to attend to before the end of the day. Our catering business has really taken off and it seems as if I never have a free moment to myself, although I really enjoy it. It is very fulfilling to know that all the hard work our grandfathers and father has done is recognized and appreciated. I can truly see this new business venture being a continuation in that, a sort of transformation of what they began.”

“I understand Aiko. I am very proud of all your hard work,” Aika warmly expressed to her brother as they unloaded the last of her belongings.

Once the last box was brought into the house, Aiko said goodbye to his father and aunt. Aika looked around the outside of her childhood home before venturing inside of it to get ready for tonight’s dinner with Aunt Ren. As Aika was walking inside, Aiko was making his way out.

Pausing for a moment, Aika stopped Aiko.

“Aiko, it really has been nice spending some time alone with you; I’ve missed you these past few years. I hope that we will grow closer now that I am done with school and back home again. I also want you to let me know if you need me to help out at the fish market or with the catering business. I want to do my part.”

“I too have enjoyed our time more than I thought I would. It will be nice having you around the house again; it has been too quiet since you’ve been gone,” Aiko honestly responded, allowing his old self to resurface once again. “I just may take you up on your offer to help with the catering business; we have been very busy lately. You may wish you hadn’t offered!” He said with a wink as he got into the van.

Waving goodbye, Aika made her way inside the house to get ready for tonight’s dinner with Aunt Ren. She had a feeling that things weren’t going to be as bad as she had originally thought.

Two hours later, she and Aunt Ren were laughing together at their table at Oyaji’s. Aunt Ren was telling Aika about her latest adventures of online dating, which Aunt Ren was failing miserably at. Aika wasn’t too keen on the idea of meeting strangers online in hopes of finding love but who was she to judge her aunt, after all she seemed to be having fun at it. Aika was truly enjoying the night, it had been a long time since she was able to relax and unwind. The past few months were filled with studying, term papers, finial exams, graduation, life choices, and internal conflict of which way to go in life; this evening with Aunt Ren was just what she needed.

Aunt Ren was on her fourth story of her online dating debacles when dessert came, vanilla bean ice cream. Although it was simple, it was Aika’s favorite. She loved the sweetness of the cream. As their dishes were being served, Aunt Ren suddenly stopped her story. She had been going on and on about Michi, a Koi pond installer, who she had recently met online and who’s company she was enjoying. Aunt Ren’s silence concerned Aika as Aunt Ren was not known as someone who is often quiet.

“Auntie, are you feeling well? We could leave if you’d like,” Aika asked.

As Aunt Ren looked up at Aika with tears in her eyes, she began to slowly explain. “Aika, many years ago when my sister, your mother, became ill she made me promise. She made me promise that I would be there for you and your brother, as well as your father. As you know, throughout the years not one holiday, special occasion, or celebration has gone by where we all haven’t missed her presence. I have watched, as you and your brother have grown into fine young adults, full of both your parents’ spirit and passion. Aiko’s drive and ambition has helped him expand your father’s fishing business and he has become quite successful in doing so. He has your father’s passion for success, you know?”

Aika sat silently, not sure what to say or do. She was confused. She listened intently as Aunt Ren continued.

“Aika, you have done remarkably well in school and I am so very proud of you. I couldn’t have asked for a better niece or nephew.”

“Auntie, I am honored by your kind words but…” Aika began to say.

“Aika! Shhh child, let me continue. If I don’t say what I have traveled all this way to say, I would have wasted my time and I am not going to let that happen. Aika, I came today not to welcome you home or to bring you out for dinner. I came with a gift, a gift of the spirit—the spirit of your beautiful mother,” Auntie Ren continued to Aika’s bewilderment.

“Let me explain. As I have already shared with you, I promised my older sister I would always be there for you and your brother, but she made me promise one additional thing when it came to you, her only daughter. She swore me to secrecy, even from your father as she wasn’t sure if he would be agreeable to it. She made me swear that I would nurture your spirit, her spirit. She wanted you to see the world, to live for yourself, to choose who to love for yourself and to create the life you wanted for yourself. She wanted me to guide you along the way, encouraging you to be who you wanted to be. Honestly, she wanted you to do what she wasn’t able to do.”

“Auntie, I am very confused. My mother was happy. She never seemed as though she was not content to be with Aiko, father and I,” Aika responded with a shake in her voice.

“Aika, she was very happy with your father, and blessed to be in love. You must know, even though her marriage to your father was arranged, she was deeply in love with him. They grew up together and were sweethearts from a young age. They did not look at their arranged marriage to each other as a bad fortune but rather good fortune because they had seen what it had done to their friends who were not as lucky,” Aunt Ren continued.

Aika could see it wasn’t easy for her aunt to speak of her beloved older sister. She attempted to ease the pain in her voice. “Auntie, mother often told me stories of her courtship with father. She mostly shared the stories such as their first kiss on father’s small fishing boat and their first dance at the Cherry Blossom Festival, on days when she couldn’t do more than speak. Although I know now why she was so tired, I loved those days with mother. I felt the bond between her and I become stronger. I miss her so.”

“As do, I, Aika which is why it is important that I pass onto you what your mother had asked me to. Before I continue, I must tell you that your father and I have already spoken and he supports this gift which I am about to give you wholeheartedly,” Auntie Ren said as tears streamed down her cheeks.

Aika had never seen her Aunt cry, not even when Aika’s mother died. She immediately got up from her seat and made her way to her Aunt who was seated opposite of her. Seeing how much pain Aunt Ren was experiencing caused Aika to worry that something was wrong.

“Auntie, I’m sorry you’re upset,” Aika said as she herself felt a wave of emotion begin to make its way through her. As hard as she tried, the tears knew their way out. She had spent many hours during her young life wiping them away.

“Oh Aika, look what you’re crazy Auntie has done now— you’re crying!” Auntie Ren said with an emerging giggly undertone.

Now, Aika was really confused. She was still fighting a losing battle with the huge tears that were dropping steadily from her eyes. What is going on here? Have I lost my mind? Aika thought to herself.

“Child, listen.”

“Yes, Auntie. It’s just that I am concerned for you. Are you all right?” Aika said with a puzzled look upon her face. Her tears had finally begun to slow down and as they dried upon her face, she could feel her skin become taut.

“Aika, I’ve brought you something, a gift, from your mother; on behalf of your mother, I have come with an all-expense paid tour of Tuscany. Your mother dreamt of a day when you would follow your dreams, that day is today Aika.”

Aika didn’t know what to say. She attempted to say something, anything but the words stayed down and she continued to listen to her Auntie.

“She never wanted you to compromise who you are for others expectations of who you should be. Aika, child, your mother was a very wise and strong woman and you are very much like her. Let go of the doubt you have for the choices you’ve made and know that she was, is, and always will be proud of you.”

Aika hadn’t noticed that the waiter had brought a bottle of Tomi no Oka wine to their table until Auntie Ren began to pour from the bottle. There were two beautifully elegant wine glasses that appeared to be hand painted with red cherry blossoms that began filling up with the rose colored wine.

“Here child,” Auntie Ren said as she handed Aika her glass. “Let us not only celebrate your graduation from university, which I am so very proud for, but also your mother. Celebrate your mother’s life, embrace her spirit, and honor her by accepting this gift she has given to you.”

As both women lifted their glasses in unison, they each gave an endearing, “Kanpai!” as they toasted to the still ever present spirit of Aika’s mother. Aika missed her now, more than ever. She began to feel the tears return and this time she didn’t fight them. Aika was overwhelmed. Had she just heard her aunt right? Italy? Tuscany? Father’s approval? She felt as though she were dreaming. Since she was a child Aika’s dreams were always filled with imaginary trips to Italy. She knew she would make it there one day, but she thought that day was in the far future.

Ren felt her sister’s spirit with them as she embraced Aika, pausing a moment to kiss the young girl on the cheek.

“Thank you,” Auntie Ren whispered.

“Auntie, it is I who am thankful. I could never thank you enough for your gift,” Aika said.

“No, Aika. It is I who am thankful. I am thankful that I was blessed with a generous and loving sister, a sister who trusted me enough to watch over her children when she no longer could. I am thankful for both you and your brother. You are both my heart and I am blessed to have been able to watch you grow into fine adults. Go and enjoy child!”

What a gift from the heart, Aika thought to herself.

“When do I leave?” Aika asked with the same spirit, enthusiasm, and zest both her Aunt Ren and mother encompassed.